Pro Gamer, Incoming

If I’m to become the greatest e-sports champion the world has ever known, I’m going to need the right set-up. That, as you will clearly understand, is the only reason I’m not a professional already. I don’t have a pro gaming mouse because Mum and Dad won’t let me have one, and they won’t let me practice for seven hours a day because “I have to go to school” and “there’s homework that needs doing” and “I’m not wasting my life away on this sort of drivel.”

Is $10,000 in prize money DRIVEL? It’s only drivel if I don’t win it, which I will, if they let me practice. Also, I’m gonna need my parents to call some company about air conditioning repairs in Sydney, quick as they like, because my room gets quite hot and I don’t want that to affect my performance in ranked games, where they could be scouts.

I’ve seen the houses of all my favourite e-sports teams, and they all definitely have air conditioning. All the gaming arenas, perfectly air conditioned. In fact, I’d say a good 90%of when I lose is because my room is too humid and it puts off my performance. The other percentage is mostly because I get really terrible teammates, and of course, the lack of a pro gaming mouse and keyboard setup along with NOT having a 4K monitor. I mean, if you think about it, I’m basically playing with one hand tied behind my back, in terms of handicaps, and I’m still killing it.

The air conditioning in the arena is a dead giveaway, though: professionals need air conditioning services. Sydney HAS air conditioning, but Mum and Dad refuse to have it installed in my room. It’s obviously because they’re jealous of my future success and want to stifle it as much as possible.