My Family Doesn’t Do Beauty…Often

Cousin Stacey is all in a tizzy because she finally got a city guy to ask her to this school dance. Knowing this family, we can probably expect a celebratory pre-party on Saturday, just before Cousin Stacey goes off to the real party.

I don’t know…as a Jacoby, I know I should be getting excited about literally everything that happens to every single one of us, but I just don’t see the point. Last weekend I just wanted to stay in and finish my retroactive historical manifesto, but instead I got dragged along to the celebration of Cousins Jemima and Jack coming back from their honeymoon. They just got back from a holiday! Why are we celebrating??

And it’s not like the conversation is going to be riveting either. We’re all connected to the family What’s-Up group on our phones, and are also expected to contribute thrice daily to the conversation. Cousin Stacey is asking all the women for the best places to get eyebrow tattooing. Bendigo has a well known beauty salon that does them. Somehow, even though I know for a fact that there’s no male Jacob who even knows what eyebrow tattooing is, let alone lip fillers, they’re all chatting away regardless. Mostly inane stuff, because what else? Just this second, Great Uncle Nelson told Cousin Stacey that she’ll look great once that laser zaps her hair into a bob-cut, which I’m pretty sure isn’t at ALL what laser hair removal is. And now…everyone is agreeing. I’d better agree as well, you know. Contribute to the daily quota, or Grandma Shelley will be on my case.

I really do hope Cousin Stacey has fun, truthfully. And at least I’m not the one tasked with finding all the stuff she needs to look good for her new man friend, or whatever it is. She can find good quality laser hair removal around Ballarat by herself. I just have to find two extra insightful comments to make about it…and then about a dozen more at the pre-party. Because family business is my business. That’s my life.

-Forrest Jacoby Jr. Jr.